Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note