*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
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I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY