[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
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Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.