[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
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I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.