[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
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Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
❤️❤️❤️
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.