“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
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(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?