Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
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Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Put a ring on it
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???