Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now