[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
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Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
You have been warned.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Too easy.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?