[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
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My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.