[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
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You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”