[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
You Might Also Like
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
True story 🤣
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool