[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
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2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
The days of good grammer has went
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
unbelievably distressed by this ad
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.