Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams