[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
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Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
are they though??
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
The new Ring movie looks terrifying