[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
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my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.