[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
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The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
happy friday
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Eating for two.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”