Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!