[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
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you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
all bases covered
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*