*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
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I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
#NoRestForTheWicked
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
Lol
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog