*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
You Might Also Like
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Called it
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.