@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

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@KeetPotato

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

@novicefather

I was gonna put on my cowboy hat and sit on my patio shirtless to showcase my abs when I realized I don’t own a cowboy hat, a patio, or abs.

@FredTaming

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

@Swain_Train47

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

@jackie_ibbyxo

If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.

@whereami18

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

@ChipKellysBalls

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.