*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
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when u come home smelling like another dog
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch