god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
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I was gonna put on my cowboy hat and sit on my patio shirtless to showcase my abs when I realized I don’t own a cowboy hat, a patio, or abs.
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him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.