Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

Canadian owl: Eh?

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis

I put the hot in psychotic.

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?