Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

My birth announcement for our third baby

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*