[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
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Trying to keep the riff raff away.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.