Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

Go girl power!

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.