[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
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At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?