Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?