Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

constantly working on myself.

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly