Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂