Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

“these edibles aint shit”

me 45 minutes later:

– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking