[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
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My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.