[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
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Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides