*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
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Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?