*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
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“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?