*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
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Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
uncle dave has been through hell
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp