Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

Real bees work best

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

Day 2 of my diet

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that