*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
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Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
real
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.