*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
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My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
