Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved