Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

what do you want

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet