[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
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My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am