[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
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You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
let’s discuss
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
oh u like geography? name every lake
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.