Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

Twitter is evidence that insane people can be extremely entertaining from a safe distance.

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

For anyone who needs this today

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]