Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs