[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
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Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.