*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
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Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing