Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

What if all the cashiers are married?

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

kevin is now a local weatherman

Simple enough.

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.