*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
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[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I love twitter
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Woke up against my better judgement again