[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
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me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible