Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”