[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
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me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
beware of dog
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
