[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
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If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
My doctor sucks. Didn鈥檛 even kiss it better.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
*has no idea what a book even is*
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn鈥檛 it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
馃槉馃
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
馃槀馃槀馃槀
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I鈥檝e not watched The Traitors and to be honest it鈥檚 not as good as not watching Love Island
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.