[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
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Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.