Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

your elf on the shelf was delicious

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

Never deleting this app.

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin