[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
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did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣