[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
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I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
“Worm Regards”
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…