*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
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I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.