[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
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[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.