Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.