Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.