Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

Do not steal food from the science building!

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.