[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
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Oh boy, $150,000!
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Oh. My. God.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
what could possibly go wrong?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
me: my friends:
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.