Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”