Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

Are you ok, human???

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.