Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

Emma is smarter than all of us.

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!

“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”