[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
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My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
The United Steaks of America
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Go girl power!
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
