Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
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I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
My kid can tell me all about a 24 minute episode of Paw Patrol in 56 minutes.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Now that everyone is against Facebook I’m smugly telling everyone that I deleted mine 5 years ago because I saw this coming and not b/c I had no friends