[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
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learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
if a cop pulls u over play dead
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.