@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

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@longwall26

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

@Beardson

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

@TheRobCee

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

@simoncholland

My kid can tell me all about a 24 minute episode of Paw Patrol in 56 minutes.

@isabelzawtun

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

@sliver_of

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

@lmegordon

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

@WilliamAder

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

@InternetHippo

Now that everyone is against Facebook I’m smugly telling everyone that I deleted mine 5 years ago because I saw this coming and not b/c I had no friends