[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
😩😩😩
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!
My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.