[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
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me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?