*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
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My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
seriously you guys
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.