Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

me and my fake scenarios

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

The news