[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
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When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.