completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
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I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates