5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
[first day as a lawyer]
ME: Clearly my client is guilty, your Honor.
JUDGE: *pinching bridge of nose* Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
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It’s like my golf instructor thinks I’m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life
[lying naked in bed]
Her: Tell me your fantasy.
Me: Well, I get in my car to drive to work, and for the entire trip, there is no traffic.
The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
If all my Facebook friends followed me on twitter, I’d be dragged to church for an exorcism.
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles