@dafloydsta

[first day as a lawyer]

ME: Clearly my client is guilty, your Honor.

JUDGE: *pinching bridge of nose* Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

You Might Also Like

@mrtruthandsoul

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

@StrugglesBGbb

It’s like my golf instructor thinks I’m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.

@Rollinintheseat

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

@flukyness

I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life

@underchilde

[lying naked in bed]

Her: Tell me your fantasy.

Me: Well, I get in my car to drive to work, and for the entire trip, there is no traffic.

@Terdoh

The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination.

@CornOnTheGoblin

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

@wendyraepearce

If all my Facebook friends followed me on twitter, I’d be dragged to church for an exorcism.

@WheelTod

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

@bobvulfov

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles